grief

Leave a comment February 4, 2023 Larry Peterson

Grief

By Larry Peterson

Some words from a Catholic man about grief and bereavement

We say many “comforting” things to people in “mourning.” Still, I have discovered that for those who are in a “mournful” state, comforting them sometimes is not possible. Many have what is akin to a deep, open wound that is extremely painful. For many, the healing and scarring process takes a long time. The scar formed is always there to remind us of what was.

From the CCC 989: We firmly believe, and hence we hope that, just as Christ is truly risen from the dead and lives forever, so after death, the righteous will live forever with the risen Christ, and He will raise them up on the last day. Our resurrection, like His own, will be the work of the Most Holy Trinity.

Oh yes, we know all these things. We indeed say that we believe these things. Every Sunday, we profess our faith out loud and in public, saying, “and on the third day, He arose again.”.

As Catholic/Christians, our faith has comforted us during our lives. The belief that death is only a transition to a world filled with perfect happiness is instilled in us. We shall be sharing our heavenly world with Jesus, the Blessed Mother, angels, saints, and loved ones gone before us. There will be no more pain and suffering, no illness, and nothing negative. Shouldn’t we be jumping up and down with joy? Unfortunately, “tomorrow” now has a permanent hole in it, and we have no idea how to fill it.

Victims of Adam and Eve’s original sin

We are human beings after all. We are also victims of Adam and Eve’s original sin. This is the sin that brought us illness and death. This is the reason for our grief. This is the reason for our pain and suffering. This is the reason for “bereavement,” which means “deprivation” or to have “suffered a loss”.

“Big Boys don’t cry”

Having these feelings is “normal”. As a man, I have tried to stifle any outward display of emotion in public. (That is how we were raised—Big boys don’t cry—well, real men do.). At home, who cares. No one is there to see my crumblings. After my wife’s funeral a few years ago I did fail miserably at Walmart. It was several days after her funeral and I had gone there to get a few things. I noticed that there were no customers in the cell-phone section I needed a memory chip for my phone so I asked the clerk where they were. He pointed them out and I grabbed a new chip and handed it to him.

He offered to put it in the phone and transfer my photos into it. He opened the picture file and there is my wife smiling at me. I lost it and morphed into a babbling spectacle at, of all places, Walmart. A nice little crowd gathered for my impromptu performance but kept their distance. Hey, I might have been a lunatic or an old terrorist…whatever. You get the picture (pun intended). I was told by the facilitator of a bereavement group that my reaction was perfectly normal. Maybe it was, but I sure was embarrassed

We come face to face with a journey we all must take

The point is, as Catholic/Christians, we all witness death during our lives. And we should remember that seeing death brings us face to face with a journey we all must make. Grief is an internal process, and everyone experiences it in their own unique way. We all know of the resurrection and the reward of eternal life. However, it can be tough to deal with when you get hit with the personal impact of a loved one’s death and the grief that instantly explodes inside you.

What she did for all of us is indescribable

Time and prayer help heal those deep wounds. The days come and go and it does happen. We are mortal humans. We must feel the pain. Imagine how our Blessed Mother felt watching them torture and kill her Son? What she did for all of us is indescribable.

From CCC 991: belief in the resurrection of the dead has been an essential element of the Christian faith from its beginnings. “The confidence of Christians is the resurrection of the dead; believing this we live.”

We should never forget this.Do not be afraid —the Eternal Now awaits us all. It will be a wondrous place indeed.

Leave a comment April 7, 2018 Larry Peterson

journeysthrugrief.wordpress.com

By Larry Peterson

“We have come to know and believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in Him.”

The above quote from 1 John 4:16 led me to write what follows. It is a profound and beautiful quote and we should all try to remember it.

I have gone from being a husband to being a widower; twice. My first wife, Loretta, died of cancer in 2003. My second wife, Marty, died from Alzheimer’s disease in March of 2017. What is interesting is how we, the widowed, perceive our widowhood. I have discovered that some who have been widowed, both men and women, still consider themselves married. Some, like me, do not. Why is that?

Grief and loneliness are not fleeting, emotional upheavals. Contrary to what some of the experts might say, you never “get over it.” When a man and a woman have shared their lives with each other, given of themselves to each other, cared for each other and loved each other—in good times and in bad—it is a beautiful thing. It is how God planned it.

The married couple, especially those acknowledging God as their unifying, foundational support, become a new family. The man complements the woman; The woman complements the man; together they become one.

When the death of one of the spouses occurs, the one left behind oftentimes may feel completely deserted. There is a part of them missing. Feeling lost and alone no one, even your own children, cannot take away that feeling of being forsaken. Instead of “getting over it” the widowed person begins a process.

Each and every one of us is unique and have our own way of dealing with the loss. We take our grief and loneliness and slowly begin placing it somewhere inside ourselves. The common denominator for the widowed is this: it takes time, lots of time.

Enter the quote at the beginning of this essay. As a man who is rooted in his Catholic faith, those words within the quote of, “God is Love,” explains (at least for me) what the death separation means. I know that both of my wives were women of faith and that they received the last rites.

I was married twice. Both times in the church. Therefore, when Loretta passed away, I became unmarried. ( I never thought of being “unmarried” nor of getting married “again.” It just happened). My meeting Marty was unplanned and unexpected. But then I began to see the hand of God in all of this. Stay with me now.

Loretta is always a part of me. She lives on in my mind, heart, and soul. I was with her when she received the Anointing of the Sick. Marty will always be a part of me and lives on within me also. I was with her when she received the Anointing of the Sick. I loved them both but in different ways. It was amazing to discover this. God had taken Loretta who became embraced by eternal Love. Fourteen years later, God took Marty, who is now, also embraced by eternal Love.

From the bible quote, it all becomes crystal clear how this works. And it is beautiful. If God is Love and my spouses are with HIM (and I know that they are because all the power of the Church was bestowed on both of them at their hours of death), all they now know is LOVE.

Un-canonized saints, I can talk (pray) to them, and I know all they can do is Love me and want the best for me. There can be no anger or envy or avarice or jealousy or anything like that in the Love world. I may remain a widowed man or I may not. I have no idea. Whatever way the Spirit moves me I leave it all to Him. I know I am in Good Hands.

There is the old cliché of, “it is better to have loved and lost—“ I have wondered about that because the lost part can really hurt. But, since I do know that God is Love, I would do it again.